The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
