You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
