I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My vagina is officially offended.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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