I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
