Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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