WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
