Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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