Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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