I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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