I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
