Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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