My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
