Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
