It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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