they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
