No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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