I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
