my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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