Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
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Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
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I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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