I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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