the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
