He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
