I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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