dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
