i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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