genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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