I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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