Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
