Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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