You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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