Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
