He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
