i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
