Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
