Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
