He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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