I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
