Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
