Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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