im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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