masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm getting married
To pizza
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
