I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
