i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dating After Heartbreak
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.