Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.