i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.