Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
