I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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