I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
