I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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