we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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