I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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