I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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