If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
