i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
