Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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