also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
