Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
