Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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