don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
