two words: eviction party
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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