I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
