there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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